do You know? do I know?

(´beats the very fuck from out of me.)

======

cripes.

it feels like i am experiencing a much more damaging form of Writers' Block.

------

on the bright side, i believe i have a Thesaurus some↕place around here..
..i mean, i hope my mom didn't "commandeer" it, during one of all those times when she had rooted through my things.

(why did she do that, anyway?

what was she hoping to find?)

------

i am also afraid that my word-/expression-range is ... severely limited.

but this is a consequence of me preferring to stay away from Abstracts, {and not having an especially-active imagination}, isn't it?

there isn't much i can do about it at the moment; so, as a way to augment my output in spite of my inadequacy, i had been thinking about ... transcribing at least one of my many Journals for your perusal here.

and it might be fitting if i utilize the very first Chronicle i penned..
..only, i must hope it is still viable: considering i wrote it in pencil.

back in 1994.

or so.

let's see...

.......

´summer of 1995.

:-D

(it's in relatively good shape, still; my handwriting isn't too great..
..but this was before i began wearing The Glove.)

======

well, you see: when i returned to the work↕site, monday night, i spied a dime lain on one of the tables in the break room; i took it.

but i relented,—hearkening back once more to The Warnings mother, dearest, instilled in me regarding this exact sort of si'chiachun,──putting the coin back where i found it.

the next morning, after work, on my way to the bus↕stop, there was a dime lying on the street.

------

evidently, Something wanted me to have 10¢; i took it.

and i kept strolling to the bus.

======

incidentally, i always have to wonder over how many of the dollar bills i get have ever been placed down someone's cleavage, or genitals:

if i might eventually get a contact high from handling these currency units which had been used to snort drugs.

======

what's the point of having someone wear Bullet-proofed Armor? (i myself would merely use a shot↕gun, to blast off {a chunk of} the head, if i feel i cannot strike a lethal area of my target with one or two bullets propulsed from a standard-caliber fire↕arm.)

======

you know what would be cool?

is if all the thugs started wearing Suits.

like in the old days.

(i mean.. ..most of the crimes that 40 Street Bangers can commit in six months will almost always pale in comparison to an atrocity that 4 White Collar Bastards can enact in 6 mere days...

...most of you just get taken in by the consequences that usually, mostly, show up immediately after a burglary or a mugging; the long-term consequences of the Daily Swindles escape your ire because you're not as able to formulate an emotional, visceral response to them.

{yet you experience these Illicit Dealings' effects every waking and sleeping moment: those fuckers can rape you with all your clothes on, and intact.})

so, when these Hoodlums & Malcontents start dressing up in standard-Wall Street Attire, {prejudiced, discriminatory} white people will have one fewer thing to lord over the people they themselves pigeon-holed, so many scores ago.

actually, they will lose the ability to enjoy the ... rather superficial, artificial plateau which donning such threads had previously bestowed them, wouldn't they and what a change in dynamics that would present.

======

begrudgingly.. ..i will own up to you-all: that the guy upon whom i had previously sworn unbreakable, Eternal Vengeance, and had proclaimed would have further Severe Psychological Trauma visit upon his head, the next he blithely presumed himself into my company, was to be the same fellow whose arse i'd find myself fucking, saturday morning.


:-D.


what can i say?

(tsotsumi.)


i had to give the sum↕bitch an "A" for his efforts: in being the first to reëstablish contact betwixt the two of us, heralding a passable-accounting for {most of} his Extended Silence when doing so.

(irregarding that circumstance, he still didn't account for his more-than-obvious lack of response to the last missive i sent him..

{as long as he didn't summarily dismiss me because of his having come across some new guy he'd want to—futilely—focus all his time on...}

..but, would it be too much a stretch if i were to presume That Matter will, one way or another, gain resolution?)


. . . . .


i don't suppose i could.. ..have just left him hanging, after he put himself Out There on the line as he had; i had some needs of my own, besides.

------

on the ride over to his apartment, he told me what i believe was another part of the reason he had.. ..shut himself off from me: his having become afear'd, once again, i was Falling In Love with him.

(i immediately put him at rest with the assurance that was furthest from happening: in-so-far-as, i knew that, logistically, our forming and maintaining a stable {Monotonous} Relationship simply is not feasible.

{i mean..
..i could love the fucker, but i would know better than compelling him into actual Emotional Monogamy with me.})


i suppose, then, part of his apprehension stemmed from what i had been making him feel: his cerebral reaction to, in his opinion, my being loving, affectionate, and attentive.

sentiments with which he regaled me, as i was messing around with him in his Bed.

(i guess he wasn't quite sure how to deal with such lavishings, and had, for some odd reason, been too afraid to say anything to me about it.)

.....

and his reäction to my cock in his arse: jeez!


i mean..
..the number... ...of times he exclaimed to me how good he believed It felt, up there.


i know it had been a few weeks since last he was fucked, but, surely, i should not be lead to believe his experiencing such profound sensations can only be brought about by little old me?

(´though he also told me he liked my body...

...my facial attributes.....)

i reck'n i gave him enough of a work↕out; i could have kept at it, if he hadn't had to Go Somewhere.

...

maybe he was trying to put to rest some of the concerns i had expressed, so many weeks ago...

------

i can declare, for certain, that it was nice, the unexpected thing which his house↕mate did for me: his having set aside some ... of the food he had prepared, that evening, for me to take to work, later that night: chicken-fried rice con un toque de puertorriqueño.

(i do intend to return the "tupper↕ware" in which the food↕stuff had been placed, washed, the next time i return.

in addition to the book which EZ E lent me.)

(i would go on to find that i could not particularly care for the Plaintains he added on top..
..but every culture is different.

and i can respect that.)


i did make sure to thank him, never-the-less, for his thoughtfulness: "you deserve a thousand blow↕jobs" for doing something like that for me..

..the poor guy.....

.....currently undergoing some Rending Pain, with kidney stones.

(that is something which i would definitely wish on my worst enemy.)



:-).



having done all that, i still had a few minutes to spare, for the 3-bus.
(i was kinda nervous about having left out their house at 9:34, since buses run funnier on week↕ends..
..and i had a decent bit of a wait in store for me, indeed, ´pon my ´rival at the connecting Bus Stop; but it was okay, since the air was pretty nice — and i made it to work on time, too.)

Instinct compelled me look to see which bus it was that was straggling directly behind the 20-line (the one i was going to board since it was destined to show up minutes before the 36-bus...
...instinct having borne true, on this occasion: the 36-bus arriving earlier than expected.

and i was scrambling to that fucker, quite, for fear of its pulling off before i could flag the coach down: rude, fat-ass, cow-like [{nigger} muther↕fuckers] blocking my way, not discerning that, apparently, "someone was in a hurry"...
(...or, perhaps: uncertain, victim-like, scared bastards who were somewhat-immobilized with fear when confronted with someone who had that look on his face heading towards them, frantically, for no apparent reason?)

======

i think i am getting closer to finding a name for them: one which should be substantially better than "native american," for sure!

...

trans-Beringians.

until it is rendered Undoubtedly Irrefutable, that They did not cross over to what eventually became known as The Americas, over from the eurasia region, so many millennia ago..
..then i will stick with something close to this — certainly, the reference to the Bering Strait has to be there.


while i'm at it..

------

..it's been said that a good, trans-beringian name for this land mass, pre-Vespucci, might be

Abya Yala.

i am down for That.

what do you think?

======

i sure do enjoy looking at these clouds just float on past me — their contrast against the blue sky ── clouds which, at the moment, move as if they have no particular destination in mind, yet, still have someplace they need to go, never-the-less.

and they all look so close to me, indeed: as if i, too, can simply walk to the top of a sky↕scraper, reach out, and then grab away a piece of them.

======

unfortunately, i ... seem to have been struck with a Lazy Bug.

so, forgive me if more of my upcoming posts seem lazy.

:-D.

(i am still learning this language just like y'all are.)

next subject! (2)

nathan lane looks handsome in a goatee, doesn't he?
i'm thinking specifically of his guest appearance in Sex and The City

======

white people complain about "poor people" welfare yet they gladly accept Corporate Welfare - government subsidies and tax breaks given to corporations that don't really need such discounts (including The Oil Companies)

======

cats annoy me/instinctual-perpetual sniffing "territory" as if they will discover something profound

------

ironically having to fix-up canned-cat food section early this week in order to be able to stock that section decently

------

reset crew not using common sense when working the pet-food area - always setting only one face for items that will be directly under shelf-hang

======

cute little former marine guy/truck driver for store: apparently was able to accurately discern age, wednesday morning, merely by looking at him for a few moments; person was amazed, looking as if i had somehow did something illegal to garner such information; was then asked what else i could see, merely by looking

======

am envious of guys with smooth legs - trimming pubic hair a pain

======

returned back to room yesterday (thursday); current local weather conditions seem to merit conversion - was compelled to wear [fatigue sweat|pants] so as to not catch a chill

======

phallocentricity to the point where people assume otherwise benign objects and designs are molded after a penis when, merely, it is just a matter of coincidence that the penis looks as it does: it being a good design for liquids delivery

======

last time you heard someone call his penis "thing"?

======

seemed like the more open i became to sexually interacting with others the more discriminated against i became

======

(no obama was not invoking a slur against palin with his lipstick comment; and even if he did, how can McCain et al feel they have any room to talk?)

======

ego: i would not give my life to rescue people who *know* they should not have been hanging around town in spite of hurricane ike - they should have known better

------

celebrating the drop in price of Oil/Gas too soon, were we?

------

there needs to be penalties imposed upon the surviving citizens who *willfully* disregarded Evacuation Orders

======

she spies!

i miss that show

======

i have been compelled to invoke the term "asshole" at least 56-times a day, these past several years; people {also attempt to} insult my intelligence also at least as many times

======

flaky-layered buttermilk biscuits; dill_pickle-flavoured chips

======

to give Thoughts and Prayers/meaningless *and* empty sentimentality

======

deathly afraid of me losing my Spelling Abilities; other people's lexiconical inadequacies being a bad influence

======

Mental Illness vs. Mental Deficiency

======

actually, white people don't really like other white people either; who can they tolerate?

yo te explíque, 2.

heh.

Jonathan Rogers.

a former student of the baltimore polytechnic institute.

he was supposed to graduate with me, back in the year 2000..
..but i don't think he did.

i think he got himself expelled for bringing a knife to school (and actually getting caught with the muther↕fucker).

well, anyway: that is the guy who haunts my dreams — who was one of two of the black males i've had Primary Crushes on.

it is he who.. ..perplexes me.

------

i don't know what's happened with him since late 1999.

if any of you know, please give me a holler.

i am curious about him.

is he still attractive?

did he manage to keep himself with a good crowd?

or, as i fear, had he already succumbed to The Street Life?

======

actually, i don't have a problem with the concept of church; it's just, that element of Orthodox Religion is what i believe does not belong with it.

as i've said before: we need each other — there is no getting around that.

merely, all churches should serve as a religion-neutral meeting place for guiding people into the general right path; otherwise, it can serve as a respite for those trying to stay out of trouble.

...

and, no, we don't need Reverend soliciting donations from anyone, either: how dare he build his fortune from off the backs of the already poor?

what about the Vow of Poverty, and Humbleness?

(as long as God is with him, whatever meager accommodations he has should be more than plenty: hot, clean, running water; a Bed; a Private Room; Food, etc.: these are all that is needed for a comfortable life.)

======

i used to pride myself on being a loner; i was profoundly misguided in my personal assessment, of course: i am not a loner.

i fancied that i was, because i wanted to be "cool".

(but, i need people.)

such being one of {the} many pratfalls of {my} youth.

it's not so much that i don't like being around people as it is, i know that there really are few people that i can find even a minimum of compatibility with.

(this is because of my own unique personality Traits and Quirks.)

i am probably too lazy to be able to fake my way into relationships..

..i really am probably not a good liar.

i am smart enough to know all of this, but not smart enough to know how i might surpass these hindrances.

how do i overcome the overwhelming stupidity of my fellow man?

☺.

how do i overcome our having advanced ourselves so profoundly.. ..and so prematurely..
..and incompletely?

======

the poor atheists.

i believe they reject the concept of there being (or having been) an entity who, for all intents and purposes, would be known as God.

these atheists are headed in the right direction, but, they also are misguided: for, there are too many statistical similarities shared just between all the living organisms, alone, for me to be able to think that it was executed by Happen↕Stance.

──────>

what does the exhaust from expended energy feel like? it is {almost} always hot, right?

whether it's a human being sweating, or a computer venting..
______

when almost anything bleeds, for starters, some form of Life & Nourishment-carrying Fluid is escaping; after that shared characteristic, this fluid will be coloured red.
______

almost every complexly-built living thing has a central nervous system: that which, if functioning properly, will certainly allow for them to feel fear, and pain, when stimulated under the proper conditions.
<──────

i suppose you have taken for granted, the fact that things could be very different, if all had been left to chance, from the beginning.


there are so many variables.. ..this world could easily have undertaken an alternate path, long ago, if some Intervening Force hadn't taken control, and made the appropriate allocations & adjustments.


if it were to have been decided some people exhale grass, and some others exhale wood chips: if "normal" would be [the penultimate species] having been a combination of what would have been a lion, an ant, a peony, and concrete, with 7 functioning eyes growing out of the genitals, then it might have been so.

for that matter: "eyes" might not even had been necessary; we could have been granted extra senses besides Smell, Touch, Audial, Taste, and Sight..

..or no standard-living organism might have been granted any.

basically, i am trying to paint for you a picture of how abstract this the occupants of this planet could have turned out.

concepts and notions we had taken for granted, no longer relevant.

------

so, Atheists..
..you may continue to reject man's conceptualization of God; but, i do not think it would be responsible of you to entirely reject the possibility for there having, at the very least, been, (as i like to deem the entity), a Master Creator.

that which, obviously, would be the master↕mind of Intelligent Creation.

...

so, one or both of the schools of thought is wrong, then: either we humans evolved from Apes or God crafted us, personally..
..or it's neither.

i am still inclined to go with the amalgamation of the two theories..
..but i am finding it rather hard to believe my ancestor was once that which is prone to randomly-flinging its fæces.

and, was it ever accounted for, the reason that those Primates, and their ilk, themselves, still exist?

(i do not believe many predecessors were able to the survive Progression of Time and retain their original form..)

..would God, personally, have intervened in such a way that, eventually, Humans would be the result of the procreations of those animals?

(an all-seeing/all-knowing God must, necessarily, also be deemed a "rather sick fucker" to allow us to have taken the path we have..

..there simply is no good reason to allow all of us to suffer through such pain as we do.)

will you mother↕fuckers...

...stop thinking with your dicks and be decent enough at least leave a damn vote in one of my fucking Polls before you go zipping off?!

i don't know what this "Philip" character has been doing these past few months to get himself as noticed as he apparently has been..
..but i am feeling much more used than i can be comfortable with, in your pursuit of gaining more information on him: information which currently seems very scarce.

next subject!

chicken/crickets/exotic cuisine

======

found-dime

======

angelina jolie/æon flux

======

tv revenue/poor people/commercials/rethinking implementation of HDTV

======

broccoli flowers

======

lottery/poor people tax/never see people in [urban areas] win publishers clearing house

======

sex_offender-glasses

======

power vested in one person/change resultant not possible unless in dictatorship

======

anti-societal vs. anti-social

======

sarah palin/tina fey; sarah palin x obama